God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept
completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
- 1. How did you find out about your Deity?
- Bible
- Book of Mormon
- Burning shrubbery
- Dead Sea Scrolls
- Divine inspiration
- Koran
- My mama done tol' me
- National Public Radio
- Near-death experience
- Near-life experience
- Newspaper
- Tabloid
- Torah
- Other (specify): _____________
- 2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
- Allah
- Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
- Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
- God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
- God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
- Jehovah
- Jesus
- Krishna
- Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
- Satan
- Yahweh
- Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
- None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
- 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
- Yes
- No
- If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here;
indicate all that apply:
- Allowed bad things to happen to good people
- Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
- Not eternal
- Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creation)
- Not omnipotent
- Not omniscient
- Permits sex outside of marriage
- Plays dice with the universe
- Requires burnt offerings
- Requires virgin sacrifices
- When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
- 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply.
- Desperate need for certainty
- Fear of death
- Graduated from the tooth fairy
- Hate to think for myself
- Imaginary friend grew up
- Indoctrinated by parents
- Indoctrinated by society
- Like organ music
- Need to feel morally superior
- Needed a day away from work
- Needed a reason to live
- Needed focus in whom to despise
- Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
- Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
- Wanted to meet girls/boys
- Wanted to piss off parents
- My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
- 5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were
you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
- Baal
- Barney T. B. P. D.
- Beelzebub
- Bill Gates
- Burning shrubbery
- Cindy Crawford
- Elvis
- Left-wing liberalism
- Mick Jagger
- Ra
- Rajanish
- The almighty dollar
- The Great Pumpkin
- The Great Spirit
- The moon
- The radical right
- The sun
- TV news
- Other: ________________
- 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.
- Alcohol
- Ann Landers
- Astrology
- Barney Fife
- Barney T.B.P.D.
- Bill Clinton
- Biorhythms
- Burning shrubbery
- CompuServe
- Crystal Gayle
- Crystals
- Dianetics
- EST
- Fortune cookies
- Human sacrifice
- Jimmy Swaggert
- Lottery
- Mantras
- Palmistry
- Playboy and/or Playgirl
- Psychic Friends Network
- Pyramids
- Self-help books
- Sex, drugs, rock and roll
- Tarot
- Tea leaves
- Television
- Wandering in a desert
- Other:___________
- 7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?
- a. More divine intervention
- b. Less divine intervention
- c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
- d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
- 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
- Disasters:
- 1 2 3 4 5 AOL
- 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
- 1 2 3 4 5 famine
- 1 2 3 4 5 flood
- 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
- 1 2 3 4 5 plague
- 1 2 3 4 5 spam
- 1 2 3 4 5 war
- Miracles:
- 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
- 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
- 1 2 3 4 5 rescues
- 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
- 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
- 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
- 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
- 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
- 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
- 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our
conveniently located drop-off boxes by April 15 you will be entered in the One
Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one
in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of beings entered).
Thank you.